Will I lose myself?

My amazing wife, a true inspiration in my life, recently asked me this question: “How would it affect your life if you stopped telling people what to do?” After my initial reaction, we laughed and she assured me she was asking from a purely therapeutic, non-judgmental place. I found myself both angry and uncomfortable. This is a definite way for me to know she has hit a bullseye and that one of my maladaptive coping skills is coming under fire.

Truth is, I am not sure who I will be, but I am going to try to walk out from behind the curtain of insecurity and see the world in a different way.

I may not have the answer to her question, but I do know my need to dictate, instruct, explain, chime in, and problem-solve are all rooted in a deep belief that I do not matter. I have determined that to be valued, I must prove my worth through wisdom, knowledge, or also, word vomit. Oh wait! You know me, so you smiled or even laughed when I wrote that, me too.

Looking inward and being vulnerable have been the most painful things in my life, but they have also been my most powerful tools. To this end my life does keeps getting better and better. So, for today, I am going to push myself and write down this peek into the painful vulnerabilities that exist, maybe only in my head.